moments 3, absences …

29 Jul

inspired by proverbs 18:1
18 ‘An unfriendly person pursues selfish ends
and against all sound judgment starts quarrels.’

My family did not always abandon. At times they tired to love: once, by buying NY Giant football tickets for two 13 year old brothers; then, a loan of two thousand dollars to close on a house, a first home; a night sleeping at home when my spouse left; babysitting for baby grandchildren; and a home to rest after an emergency operation.
And, most telling, the night my 89 year old father said he loved me.

Yes, there were momentary attempts to hold, to love.
And I am grateful for those moments. These adoption moments. But I write about abandonments because I am in process of attempting to understand my life and why I feel the call, the pull of abandonments so.
In truth, deep, deep down in my life story, I was left to my own devices by people who were self centred, selfish. From their actions and words I learned the foundation of abandonments: for me, they begin with quarrels that open with silences: eight years of no calls, letters, or touches from grandparents, brother or sister. Or even parents. Silences.

There were, are, more silences today. So, I write to speak, to destroy my silences.
It helps.

Abandonments, for me, then begin with silences, absences. Once, experienced, I write.

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