fathers, days, trying

21 Jun

my perspective recently changed, adjusted, switched on fathers, good fathers

living in NYC during the heyday of Sports Radio, Mike & da Mad Dog, from in my experience, I always thought of Italian men as being in two groups,

kind of like Mike being the generous ‘good all giving’ shirt off your back Italian and the Mad Dog, Chris Russo, as the loud self-centred un-listening insensible and insensitive Italian. in summary..,

• the generous Italians
• the Greedy, self centred Italians

but I am so wrong, so wrong… on so many counts

How?

I thought that Mike was the generous one. He gave Chris on Chris’ birthday the redesigned Barry Bonds jersey. He gave tickets on the radio to fans for big games. He argued vigorously, loudly, like Italians in at a Sunday family meal. He seemed on the surface generous. But I was wrong.

Mike gives only to hear himself giving; to be the Pope and da Judge and Jury. Always right, he could never ever listen. To callers or guests; to Chris or life. All was on his terms and, therefore, all his shirts had a cost, a quid pro quid to for him. And at most times he was at both sides of the exchange in question.

Chris sounds like he isn’t listening, but he is. He is generous in his reflection on Mike ‘n da Mad dog, praising his partner. He admits when he is wrong. He is seeking self understanding. In a phrase, he listens. I sense Chris is flexible and series to be a listener, learner. He is trying.

For me today, Chris is the generous one; Mike the sel-absorbed one.

And me? I am both sides of that Italian persona: self-centred and self reflective; a hoarder and a giver; miser and generous.

Yet, like Samuel Jackson’s character ‘Jules Winnfield’, I am in a ‘transitional’ period.

I am trying to be more generous, even when in a moment I face resentment, a self-pity, a despair.

I am trying to invite to invite ‘breathe’ a pause in when I feel unseen; not heard; not asked.

I am trying to listen to all. Even trying to be open to myself.

I am as Jules states in Pulp Fiction’s diner scene, ‘I am trying Ringo, I am trying real hard.’

I am trying… trying.

trying.

And that is what and only what a ‘present’ available father can do, can be, … someone who tries.

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